Paris Hilton Announces Economic Stimulus Package

Paris Hilton called Friday for roughly “$145 zillion trillion” in tax relief for individuals and businesses that she said would “provide a shot in the arm” for the economy, “but not in like a druggy, smelly hippy sort of way.”

Her comments reflected a heightened sense within the celebrity community that a multi-billion dollar economic stimulus package is now a must-have accessory. Though she hasn’t mastered the details yet, Ms. Hilton essentially suggests a combination package that would include a permanent tax waiver for individuals who must subsist entirely on massive inherited fortunes and an immediate three thousand dollar tax rebate for all females between the age of thirteen and twenty four.



There is a growing consensus among top economists that very young female consumers provide the best “bang for the buck.” According to Professor Milkin Banx of Yale Business School, “the multiplier effect of putting cash in the hands of young girls is extraordinary. If you give a tax rebate to people with incomes over $200,000 dollars, they tend to put most of it into savings, which creates a multiplier effect of around about 0.45 only. However, if you give money to girls between the ages of thirteen and twenty four they will spend on average three times as much as you give them. The multiplier effect is approximately 3.0. We now know how to jumpstart any economy anywhere and at any time.”

If Congress acts quickly, checks could be in the hands of twenty million young American women and teens as early as Friday, February 1. Banx expects that the $60 billion dollars paid out by the treasury will result in $120 billion additional consumer spending by Monday, February 4 and $180 billion by the following Friday.

In laying the foundation for a plan rooted in tax policy, Ms. Hilton held fast to a central theme that increased spending rather than the production of goods and services is the route to prosperity. Hilton is also calling for the elimination of sales tax on any items that are pink or fluffy.

Britney Spears’ rival package, by contrast, calls for an extension of free non-prescription drug benefits to all Americans, coupled with a 500% sales tax on clothing and other body coverings (with an exemption for tattoos). The latter provision is aimed squarely at the unfashionable classes.

Ms. Hilton laid out her ideas for an economic rescue package only in broad strokes. She said that her plan was “big enough to make a difference in an economy as large as such as ours is and also in states like North Dakota and South Africa and the Iraqs. I know I can make a difference and hopefully stop this vicious cycle of people without food and shelter going around with off-brand handbags and ugly clothing and like not taking proper care of their chihuahuas and everything.” She did not use economic jargon terms like “recession” but acknowledged that “there is a lot of the paparazzi looking scrawny and underfed lately and they are staring at me sort of really like scary.” She said that this was giving her severe anxiety, panic attacks and claustrophobia.