Sunday, May 20, 2007

ADVERTISEMENT – Smart Investors Are Trading Gold for Coal Now!

Portfolio diversification was always the hallmark of the prudent investor. Until now!

With the astronomical profit potential that has arisen from the depletion of our natural resources, key decisionmakers worldwide are resolving to devote their entire portfolios to coal ownership. Don’t be left behind! To help you take immediate advantage of this unprecedented opportunity, we at Guinness and Cream Cakes are making a very special offer:

Guinness and Cream Cakes will trade your gold for coal, ounce for ounce – no questions asked.

That’s right, for every ounce of gold you send us, we at Guinness and Cream Cakes will send you an ounce of coal. But hurry: this offer is only valid while stocks last.

The price of coal remains at its highest level ever. And many market watchers expect the price to skyrocket this year.

“If there's such a thing as a hot mineral, then coal is it.” Inc Magazine

How to Exchange Your Gold for Coal in Three Easy Steps

Though the task for the newcomer may seem daunting and a bit confusing, a portfolio transformation from gold into coal is really a very simple process. Having a good sense of what you want coal to accomplish for you is the first hurdle. From there it breaks down to Three Easy Steps:

1. Call the Guinness and Cream Cakes Trading Desk (1-900-GET-COAL) for your FREE portfolio consultation.
2. Send in your gold and other precious metals for exchange.
3. Sit back and relax while we fulfill your order.

It's that easy!

In over 30 days of assisting coal clientele, we have never failed to replace precious metals with coal as promised. It only takes a few minutes over the phone to zero-in on what would likely work best for you. Some contact us already knowing what they want to include in their portfolio. If you are in that position, we will simply skip the preliminaries and go directly to arranging a pick-up for your gold.

And remember, Guinness and Cream Cakes will exchange your gold for coal, ounce for ounce – no questions asked.What could be simpler? Call 1-900-GET-COAL now. We welcome your inquiry.

What People Smarter Than You Are Saying About Coal

“If there's such a thing as a hot mineral, then coal is it.” Inc Magazine

“. . . rapid technological improvements in coal mining have resulted in productivity gains in this industry that have exceeded those for the economy as a whole by a wide margin . . .” Alan Greenspan

“Sooner or later, the (investor) has his investment money free to reinvest. Then, he can look around. If he is rational, and strictly preferring the highest rate of profit, he will now invest in coal . . .” Adam Smith

And remember, Guinness and Cream Cakes will exchange your gold for coal, ounce for ounce – no questions asked. It’s our commitment.

Guinness and Cream Cakes investment services: “Turning futures into coal, one investor at a time.”

So get the security of coal, TODAY!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Neologisms (them’s new words)

The following new words recently entered the language. I know because I put them there myself:

booble bombing Accidentally pulling up a NSFW site while searching for something quite innocent.

carbohydraphobia The fear of consuming too many carbohydrates.

culp fiction A fictional work such as a novel or a movie that is blamed for having inspired a notorious crime.

debtrosexual Young man who has run up his credit cards paying for dates and is now having financial difficulties.

dohzone layer Sociological stratum occupied by overstressed and undereducated Simpsonesque parents. An important election target group.

fatastrophe Large meal eaten by someone who is supposed to be on a diet.

flopaganda Press release or celebrity appearance designed to promote Glitter or Gigli, etc.

fretrosexual A person uncertain about his or her sexual orientation.

Generation WTF People born between 1955 and 1970 who were never allowed a generational label because the older baby boomers incorporated them into the previous one without their permission.

goad rage Anger resulting from deliberate incitement by others.

gymnostic Someone who thinks working out probably isn't worth the trouble.

hick flick Any movie in which farming communities are comprised almost exclusively of mental incompetents.

hitzophrenic Person who can’t stop checking the traffic stats on their website.

humilifier Wall poster of a heroic or legendary figure.

hypocracy The only form of government. Types of hypocracy include democracy, monarchy, oligarchy, plutocracy, and republic.

incompoop A bungling idiot who needs to be accomodated in order for you to keep getting your paycheck.

jelemarketer A novice telesales agent who lacks confidence and who is obviously reading from a script.

lackademic A graduate student teaching a university course.

naparazzi Elderly women swarming around a baby.

neofauxgism An unsuccessful attempt to use a new word that one has just learned.

oleanderthal An attractive but unprincipled woman. A bimbo.

opaholic Someone who has had too many cosmetic surgeries.

prigmatism Pretending to adhere to an antiquated moral outlook in order to ingratiate oneself with influential elders.

raccolade Excessive praise lavished on an attractive young woman for a comparatively modest achievement.

Rastoofarian Person incapacitated by overindulgence in marijuana.

squintessentials Important legal information written in letters too small to read.

tortological argument Corporation’s false claim that granting a customer’s reasonable request would be illegal.

trump To give someone a bad haircut.

vexculpatory evidence Voluminous and complex technical data introduced at trial purely to confuse a jury.

Viagrophobia In men: fear of some day needing viagra. In women: fear of husband’s overuse of viagra.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Nigerian Spam Parodies

I have collected together in one place some of the many parodies that have arisen from the Nigerian email scams. I begin with my own contribution to the genre: Nigerian Shakespeare Spam.

I BEG DEAR SIR FORGIVE ME THIS INTRUSION
ODEKI FALSTAFF MARLOWE IS MY NAME
AND THOUGH IT MIGHT AT FIRST CAUSE SOME CONFUSION
THIS SOLID PROPOSITION IS NO GAME
I AM A BLOOD DESCENDANT OF THAT BARD
WHO TRULY AUTHORED ALL OF SHAKESPEARE’S PLAYS
AND I HAVE SEARCHED MOST PATIENTLY AND HARD
TO FIND A MAN OF TRUE AND UPRIGHT WAYS
WHO’S WORTHY TO INVEST A CERTAIN SUM
REQUESTED BY MY LAWYERS IN L.A.
WHO GUARANTEE THAT ROYALTIES WILL COME
BUT NEED A SMALL DOWNPAYMENT LATE TODAY
FOR WITNESS FROM ESTEEMED AND LEARN-ED SCHOLARS
THEY NEED TO PAY TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS ($200,000.00.00)

SIR CHRISTOPHER WAS TROUBLED MUCH AT COURT
AND SO HE FAKED HIS MURDER IN SOME PUB
HIS PUBLIC LIFE IN ENGLAND WAS CUT SHORT
AND OFF HE FLED TO LAGOS – THERE’S THE RUB!
HIS FUTURE WORKS HE WROTE IN SHAKESPEARE’S NAME
AND SMUGGLED INTO ENGLAND ON THE SLY
THE SWAN OF AVON’S DESTINY WAS FAME
WHILE MARLOWE’S CHILDREN SUFFERED BY AND BY
YET GREW IN NUMBER ‘TIL WE FORMED A CLAN
THERE’S EIGHTY OF US NOW, ALL PLAYWRIGHTS TOO
AND RECENTLY WE CAME UP WITH A PLAN
THAT NEEDS AN HONEST FELLOW SUCH AS YOU
THE ROYALTIES WITH INT’REST ARE A TRILLION ($1,000,000,000,000.00)
OF WHICH WE’RE PLEASED TO OFFER YOU TEN BILLION ($10,000,000.00)

OH THINK OF THE INJUSTICE OF OUR PLIGHT
WHOSE FATHER GAVE YOU HAMLET AND MACBETH
WE EIGHTY SHARE JUST ONE ELECTRIC LIGHT
OUR INTERNET CONNECTION SUCKS LIKE DEATH
WE NEED SOME RUNNING WATER AND A FRIDGE
THE BABIES NEED WARM BLANKETS AND SOME COTS
THE KIDS NEED SHOES, THE RIVER NEEDS A BRIDGE
AND THEN PERHAPS SOME AIR-CONDITIONED YACHTS
WE ONLY ASK TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND SMACKERS ($200,000.00)
MY BANKER NEEDS TO CALL YOU UP TODAY
SPURN NOT THIS LUCKY OFFER, DON'T BE CRACKERS!
JUST EMAIL BACK YOUR NUMBER RIGHT AWAY
TAKE ARMS AGAINST OUR TROUBLES, BE COURAGEOUS
I PROMISE YOU THE FORTUNE IS OUTRAGEOUS

Historical Note: The link between Christopher Marlowe and Nigerian spam email is stronger than one would suppose. The Nigerian spam emails derive from an older con known as the Spanish Prisoner. Apparently, the Spanish Prisoner scam can be traced back to Elizabethan England and to the coney-catching pamphlets of Robert Greene, who was one of Marlowe’s drinking buddies. More on the mysteries surrounding Marlowe’s death here.

Some Classic Nigerian Spam Parodies

A Spam salad:

DEAR SIR/MADAM,

THIS IS A PERSONAL EMAIL T0 YOU ONLY. I AM THE SON OF SPAM SPADE, THE FORMER LOAN OFFICER OF NIGERIA, WHO WAS KILLED BY A RUSSIAN LADY WHO WANTS TO MEET YOU. HIS MORTGAGE RATES WERE SUPERB, BUT HIS PENIS WAS TOO SHORT, SO HE ORDERED 60,000,000 VIAGRA PILLS AND BEFORE HE COULD TAKE THEM HE WAS ASSASINATED BY 5 MILLION EMAIL ADDRESSES AT NO COST TO YOU. NOW I HAVE THESE 60 MILLION VIAGRA PILLS AND SEEK YOUR HELP IN TRANSFERING THEM TO YOUR ACCOUNT. Link.

The lost Nigerian astronaut:

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home. Link.

George Bush spam:

I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.

I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER . . . Link

Landover Baptist takes up the offer:

In the e-mail, Basher explained that he knew that Pastor and those who received the e-mail message would be surprised to hear from him, but assumed that the Landover Baptist Church was already aware of a financial dispute between his family and the present civilian government of Nigeria. Basher conveyed that due to circumstances beyond his control, his father's bank accounts in Switzerland and North America were frozen. He went on to solicit the Church's confidential assistance in taking custody of thirty million United States dollars (US$30,000,000.00). "Naturally, that bountiful sum caught my well trained eye," said Pastor. "And we didn't get to be the richest church in America by asking a lot of questions when folks wave a fistful of cash in our faces." Link.

Iraqi Oil for Food Spam:

Because of recent poltical events which you may have seen about in international media, my country is rocking by turmoil. My former strong man, General Uday Hussein al-Tikriti, was murdered, and somebodys is responsible. Before he expired in tragedy (peace be upon him), respected General Tikriti (pridefully rewarded Arafat Medal for Services to Martyrdom Operations, Ramallah Campaign) entrusted me the sum of FORTY SEVEN BILLION DOLLARS United states dollars mandated ffor distribution for food and medical equipemt for Iraqi people by the United Nations Plaza.

My esteemed colleges and me, AFTER careful determination, have decided to appoiont OFFICIALS FOREIGN REPRESENTATIVES to take safekeepering of said moneys as beneficiaries of the fund. Link (scroll down).

A subgenre: spamming the spammers:

I tell them I’m Herman Munster. No problem. Barney Rubble? No problem. I tell them my name is Wile E. Coyote, and that I make my living selling anvils, explosives, and giant magnets, and that I was hospitalized after following a highway center line someone had redirected into the side of a giant rock. Unbelievably…no problem. Although one spammer balked when I asked for a photo for my attorney, Mr. Elmer J. Fudd. That was because she didn’t have a camera. Hilarious link.

And of course the unforgettable 3rd Nigerian Email Conference.

My sonnets about the other kind of Spam are here

Update 1:
The Daily Farce reports on a surprising development: In an incredible turn of events, Markson Camara, the only son of late former Director of Finance, Chief Vincent R. Camara of Sierra-Leone Diamond and Mining Corporation, has held a press conference this morning in Nigeria announcing that "I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm a fake! I'm not. I have real money and I need to transfer it to an account in the United States!" Link.